One of the reasons my wife and I are about to celebrate our 34^th wedding anniversary is I have come to accept one simple but usually over looked fact of life. Both men and women have a rule book for life. In the women’s guidebook in the section of being a wife it states if a man gets a bonus she gets something equivalent to three times the value. At least that is what my wife has told me. In the book I have, the one for men, the front page states ‘all rules that men make are subject to being overruled by women.’ I know this sounds bad for us guys by I have 34 years of proof it works. The point here is there are two different ways of looking at the world. These viewpoints depend on whether your genome has one or two X chromosomes. For most guys the world is more simplistic consisting largely of boobs, beer and sports. Emotions and motivations are less important than how the female part of the population sees things. The one change that has come out for these ‘traditional’ ale values is Spike TV the network for men. Some might argue successfully that all networks with the exception of a small percentage are for men. Spike started out with mostly reruns of James bond flicks and extreme sports. Recently it has begun to move into original programming. One series has picked up where the Comedy Central’s ‘Man Show’ left off. It strives to answer questions raised by men in a way men can understand’ ‘MANswers’. Guys, one word of advice here; do not, repeat, do not try to get you wife, girlfriend, mother, aunt, sister or daughter to watch this with you. I Y chromosome is required to see this series. If you try to make a female sit with you the price will be a minimum for watching a half dozen chick flicks without complaint.

Most of the questions proposed here may seem strange, even bizarre. Many have been asked repeatedly by men over the years but since the site of such queries is usually a bar around closing time and the brain trusts proposing and pondering the questions are typically extremely drunk you most likely will not recall them. The questions are all sick in nature and completely worthless in any part of culture. They are the questions men ask other men and are considered as realistically as possible considering the source and target audience. This DVD release is a countdown of the 25 top questions asked in the first season of the show.

Coming in at number 25 is a question that makes me doubt the mental health and legal sanity of the person who came up with this one. If you are trapped on a desert island with a buddy and there is no food; which part of a human is the best to eat? Men from various bars around the country are asked and provide their answers. One dude chose brains and sited Hannibal Lecture as a source. Now here is a guy who lives alone and should be on the radar of the FBI’s behavioral science unit. The announcer, Matt Short, makes some attempt to make the topic sound scientific by quoting facts like the body enters starvation mode after three weeks of not eating and will begin to digest itself. They mix this with some old film footage of cannibals stirring a big pot. They then go through the choices calling on real doctors to tell the nutritional values of each human organ under consideration. The spleen has virtually no nutritional value so pass on that. Bone marrow may taste good, a matter of opinion here, but once again has very little in the way of value. The heart has plenty of protein but little else. Going zombie and trying the brain gives a ton of fat soluble vitamins. The best all round organ to pull out of your late buddy is his liver. It looks like mommy was right all those years telling you to eat this meat.

The next topic on the countdown is whether the shape of a woman’s breasts relates to her personality. Naturally they gear this towards finding a woman willing to sleep with a guy. According to an article in the British paper, The Sun, there is a correlation between the shape of a woman’s breast and her personality. Now it should be noted that this is a tabloid paper with skimpily dressed girl on page three and heavy on the gossip. The so called study related the studied breasts to various fruits. Women with large, melon shaped breasts like to be pampered and spoiled but don’t like sex. It the body part in question is shaped like an orange they are stuffy, uptight and also don’t like sex. Cheery girls, those with small breasts are self absorbed and bad in bed. According to the study women with pear shaped breasts are a man’s best choice. They are very sexual and willing. I kind of think the research is a very lonely and frustrated man.

A little later down in the numbering is the question ‘how many floors can an elevator fall and still allow you to survive?’ For this one they engaged the expertise of a safety engineer. Jumping up at the last second is not only impossible to time you still have the same speed and that is what is going to kill you. The best thing to do is lie flat on the floor spreading the impact over your entire body. Second, cover your head to prevent the debris that is on its way from hitting your head directly. The bottom line here is about five stories before there is nothing you can do to prevent your death.

Coming in at number 10 is how teeny can a bikini be before it is considered legally naked? Okay, you know this is a list for men by men. A lot has to do with local ordinances so it is a bit subjective. There are also separate laws that apply to bikini bars and public areas. The ‘scientific’ approach used here was to get two girls, Candi and Brandi, to model bikinis of decreasing size at a local club until a professional life guard attests they are too small. The first suite doesn’t cover a lot, the butt is completely bare but it passes. The second one hardly covers the ample breasts of Brandi and of course the behind is all out but it is still legal. The third suite is basically two straps that sort of cover the nipples and crotch but little else. It is also legal as long as the wearer constantly adjusts the straps. The last suite is a variation of the one before with even smaller straps. In order to wear it a woman would need a full Brazilian wax job since everyone can see that area plainly. It is deemed illegal.

The rest of the questions on the countdown presented here are pretty much in the same vein. They range from whether you can die while taking a bowel movement to which animal is the best substitute for sex. Okay, I am now officially ashamed of my gender. There are even tips for getting drunk faster and the number one is naturally what are the largest breasts recorded. The winner of that one doesn’t even look attractive but this is mostly drunk men commenting here. This DVD from Paramount is perfect for a bachelor’s party or when the ladies are away and the game is rained out.