One of the things that seem to make us human is our need for mythology. In every culture people have created stories that helped explained what they couldn’t understand or explain. This is universal and spans not only the globe but the millenniums of human existence. The best known are those of the Romans, Greeks and Norse where gods sat high atop a mountain observing and controlling man and his world. The rising of the sun becomes a golden chariot carrying a god across the skies and his daily trek. Love is under the domain of a beautiful goddess and evil but an underworld demon. For the most part most of the natural phenomena have been explained by science. We now know that the orbit of earth causes the sun to rise and set. The old time gods have been replaced by technology. Still, there is that fundamental need deep within us that demands for the persistence of mythology. In our modern society gods and goddess no long work for us. We now look to another aspect of mythology; the cautionary tale. Myths have always been around to teach by example even if there was little or no basis for the events and characters of the story. This goes hand in hand with the scary story. We all have heard them as kids sitting around a summer camp fire or in the dark with our friends. This would give rise to the urban legend. These are the modern day horror stories that are told and retold taking on a life of their own. Usually they are purportedly something that really happened. They can run the gamut from bizarre fates for child stars to sexual acts that go dreadfully wrong. There is usually a touch of the forbidden contained in the story making them all the more creepy. Another popular theme is the covert killer who comes out at night on the proverbial dark and desert road or disguises themselves as a person of authority or trust lulling in the unsuspecting victim. In any case they make for great fodder for horror films. There is a current franchise of such flicks aptly called ‘Urban Legion’. This has opened the floodgates for variations of the theme. One such addition is ‘Urban Legends’ by Bill Osco. This is a compilation of seven of the best known and frightening tales passed around on those gloomy, stormy nights. While it is not suitable material for the young folks it is just right to bring out that eight year old that lurks in us all. It had a limited release back in 1998 and is now out on Eclectic DVD Distribution, a part of MVD Entertainment Group.

The tag line asks the question that truthfully no one was really asking; ‘are they stories or are they real?’ If you do think that these are true events then please get the permission from your court appointed caregiver before you watch this flick. The film was directed by Bill Osco and written by Carl Crew. Most of their previous experience has been as a team mostly in the horror genre. The film is broken down into seven tales of terror. The film does start with a disclaimer which warns that you are about to see gruesome, violent, bloody and deadly scenes of what one human being can do to another. It also states that the stories are reenactments based on true events documented by the F.B.I. After that title card we see Rusty Defage (Dino Lee) decked out in a huge bouffant hair style, plaid jacket and scarf talking about how his wife wanted to have sex in the backseat of their car. Seeing this image alone would qualify as this as a horror flick. There is a live audience booing and the video is scratched and flawed like an old poorly cared for film. The punch to the bad joke is Rusty’s wife wants him to drive. This opening bit goes on and on. At first it is Rusty’s truly horrid stand up act followed by some poorly acted skits revolving sex and other Second City type non sequitur bits. It may seem a bit confusing but changes the tone from horror to comedy and what is to come will be a satire of the genre not an actual part of it. I do admit that I had to stop the disc and make sure I was not is some bizarre Easter egg but this was the film. Rusty seems to be a host of some low budget cable access show and tells his audience that he will present the scariest urban legions ever. Just so you know the language in this section is highly offensive and not for children or anyone easily offended. It does do a great job of placing the tongue firmly in the cheek for what is to follow.

We all know this one. It is a campfire favorite. An escaped mental patient begins to attack people parked in their cars. While a mad man might be scary enough on its own the story includes the little tidbit that his hand has been replaced with a hook that he uses with deadly efficiency. As we watch the guy in the car try to convince the woman with him to go all the way we hear Rusty narrating the events. The radio announce comes on with a bulletin that a hooked handed patient is on the loose and, well you know the rest.

This story centers on a group of nurse that lust for blood. They are dressed like nurses but with the addition of fake noses and antenna as disguises. They grab a hooking into a deserted warehouse then the shot switches to two naked women. There doesn’t seem to be much of a purpose here except the directed may have needed a touch of gratuitous nudity. We then go back to the nurses torturing their victim.

You might think that phone sex is the safest way to go but this segment begs to differ. A woman sits in a room with her hair in curlers and her face covered with some sort of beauty mask as she has phone sex with a client. At this point a descript of the proceedings is fairly moot.

This one looks at dangers of having sex in a basement that is housing a killer.

A perennial favorite especially when you go to donate blood.

If you thought a root canal was bad this is the worse representation of a dentist since ‘Little Shop of Horrors’.

I can’t even try to describe this one.

This film appears to be made by cutting together some really bad flicks with material supplied by the cast and crew. It is done in the vein of some old college stations and early public access television. It is so bad that you almost have to watch.